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Loser like me7/29/2023 I can do simple household tasks such as cooking or laundry, but as soon as a goal becomes bigger and more amorphous, I become paralyzed and can’t move forward. Every time I try to apply for jobs or do something productive, I quickly become discouraged because it’s “hard” and “doesn’t feel good” to my stupid monkey brain that only cares about comfort and instant gratification. I keep wishing that someone else would take control of my life and “save me” from the problems that I created. I used to have many creative hobbies and was a good student, but now I just spend my days wasting time on the internet, sleeping to procrastinate, wallowing in self-pity, and ingratiating myself on anyone sympathetic enough to listen to my whining. However, my lack of self-discipline is keeping me from accomplishing anything meaningful in my life. I have some talents and skills that could potentially be valuable, and I am only 20 years old, so I still have plenty of opportunities to get my life back in order, if I could just get off my ass for two seconds and pursue them. As a result, my parents rescinded their offer to pay my tuition, and I decided to drop out rather than to try to pay $30,000 a semester, knowing that I most likely wouldn’t graduate in four years. Despite this generous policy, I still ended up failing three of the four classes and getting put on academic probation. I cried in professors’ office hours, begged for extensions, and even got the school to let me have the summer to finish my coursework with no negative impact to my GPA. I went to counseling services and academic tutors but gave up when I didn’t get immediate results. I would skip classes just to lie in bed staring at the ceiling and hating myself. Sophomore year, I finally “broke” and became unable to finish assignments even in the face of deadlines. When I was in college, I approached every new assignment with the complete and sincere intention to start early and make incremental progress so that I wouldn’t have to do it all at the last minute (again), but I would be filled with anxiety and confusion about how to go about accomplishing it and would procrastinate with mind-numbing distractions. I can’t accomplish anything, and I am living a parasitic existence, leeching off my partner’s family. I wish they would just give up on me so that I don’t end up disappointing them again. My family back home is ashamed of me, but they still believe in me and are trying to help me. I am an unemployed college dropout living with my boyfriend’s parents, and I can’t get my act together. Realizing the irony of that, I forced myself to plow through this letter in one sitting, knowing that if I didn’t finish it now, I never would. I started writing you this letter, then thought, I’ll work on this some more tomorrow, and almost closed the email draft. Photo: J & C Sohns/Getty Images/imageBROKER RF
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